People, nature and rooftops

I’ve been finding myself taking walks out in the city more on despite the murderous heat. I kind of like how there’s a lot of people yet I kind of hate it as well. I like it because as I walk down I’ll always get the random smile from someone and I guess it’s true what they say that a smile goes a long way. I hate it though because whenever I grab something to eat all the decent places to eat outside are taken so I’m usually forced to resort to eating back in my room. It’s still kind of boring since I don’t really have anyone to hang out with on a regular basis but I guess it’s not really that bad it would just be nice to have someone to lounge around with. I say lounge around because that’s what I find myself doing most of these days, aside from the occasional homework/quiz/studying that I have to do for school I just lounge around. I usually go outside and find a nice shady spot to seek refuge from the heat and people watch. I find that I enjoy watching people as they go by partly because it’s like I’m watching a play or a movie and even though I know nothing exciting will probably happen I just like to see things as they play out. I’ve also found nature more alluring recently and listening to my new CD from iTunes has fueled this since it’s very nature-y in nature (lol). Well I guess this is just a normal blog entry, something to spark a change from the usual dreary/depressing entries. Well I guess I’ll go watch the sunset from my rooftop or something lol. Take care and ’till next time.

Living for you

If I were to count down the days that I have left to live I don’t think I ‘d be satisfied with the number because time is so short and the more we waste the less we get to spend genuinely enjoying it. The sun has risen and fallen from this sky of mine so many times and I’ve lost count of the days that I’ve woken up to a somber feeling as I watch the morning sky light up the streets. I guess I don’t really regret anything up until now but I sure do wish things would have gone a little differently. Regardless, I still enjoyed the time that I had with those that I’ve loved and well I guess that’s all they’ll let me have. I won’t ask for more because if they don’t want to give then I can’t beg nor force it out of them. Sweet memories, childish games, soft kisses, gentle embraces, passionate moments, time cherished all of those things I have received from you and I understand that you don’t want to change things but I guess things won’t stay the same just for you. You either accept change or get left behind. I won’t forget you nor will I stop feeling how I’ve felt but watching you from this distance walking hand by hand with others is a little too much for me. I hope things will go for the best I hope I can get myself back together. On the bright side you won’t be getting anymore annoying e-mails or texts :) . I guess I can’t really front because I can’t really help but feel the pain from missing everything you gave me at some point. You know the only time I’ve ever cried for someone because of emotional pain was for you. Bet you didn’t know that. I know I seemed insensitive at times but I was just figuring out that I wasn’t as insensitive as I thought and that the person that I had always wanted to be with was you. I guess it sounds pretty stupid and cheesy but I guess real life can’t be cool and composed. I guess even I can’t keep composure at a time like this. We really were lucky. Thanks.

Worth

It seems life gives and takes unfairly sometimes I know I’m probably not top priority when it comes to getting my fair share but even A share would be nice to have. I can’t succeed in anything I guess that’s just how it is for me I feel like I get up only to trip again and again and again and again. It’s kind of strange that for most people I’ve been something that they find easy to leave behind but when it comes to someone else suddenly things complicate themselves beyond belief. This wouldn’t be incomprehensible except for the fact that sometimes people say they want to have something yet do the complete opposite and that only leads to a conclusion that I must not be worth taking the risk or going through with what needs to be done. For a second I could actually see a future with you and thought that maybe things could work out but you just completely said no and walked off. I guess it’s back to where I was which I guess isn’t as bad only because I was so used to the feeling of numbness and lack of emotion for life. I got in the elevator today around 7:40 and noticed it had just been cleaned and the sterility of it reminded me of myself it lacked any substance it was like nothing had ever touched it like it had been alone for such a long time and had just been like that. It’s like that for me I go through everyday feeling numbed out like I lack life and everything is just a process that lacks meaning and only gets done out of some sense of responsibility that has managed to stay inside me. I feel like running away, it may sound childish but I just feel like forgetting everything and running away and never looking back just living day to day, with no real purpose but just to live in freedom. I guess we all do but a lot of things keep us down and stuck to this ground beneath a sky that won’t let us fly so we walk and then we crawl, until finally we just give up and lay there until we come to a full stop.

Edit-
After thinking about it I guess it just hit me hard since well through all of the things that have been going on and everything that seems to go wrong this was like the highlight of my day. I could look forward to at least seeing you and perhaps look forward to the future. It was the light in the middle of midnight that gives you something to soothe your fears and keep you warm.